Manspreading song - Nick Dietz (pop/parody)

Doesn't matter
where I am
I need to find myself a comfy seat
I don't really give a damn
you complain, but I'm like "Oh my god,
get off my case. You act like you own this place.
Scoot over, you're in my way."

Hey.
pregnant women, old ladies
you won't get any sympathy from me
I won't get up, you can't squeeze
I don't have a sense of decency
I need to spread my knees
give my crotch a little room to breathe
I spend time on my technique
nothing's more important than the place I put my butt cheeks

When I'm at the movie theater
or cheering at a football game
as people get nearer
I know how to keep them away
I see the anger on their faces
but I don't feel ashamed
I do this on a regular basis
And you know my name!

They call me manspreader
it's a badge I wear with pride
cause nothing feels better
than the separation of my thighs
I wouldn't move for my own mother
don't care how much you beg
I gotta make space baby
so I spread my legs

Hostess looks
waiter stares
restaurant patrons judging me
when I reserve
seven chairs
to eat alone at Applebee's
I like their queso dip
with no one close when I feast on it
but it disagrees with my stomach

"Oh no!"
"Beat it. Move it.
I'm coming through"
running full-speed down the hall
I need to go
number two
and I'm taking the handicap stall
I would rather be dead
than live in world where I can't manspread
I mean every word I've said
spreading's like a drug and, baby, I'm addicted

At a concert or the circus
a college lecture, even church
I create a space surplus
and I ain't moving cause I got here first
people tell me they despise me
suppose that's my claim to fame
it's how they recognize me
And you know my name!
they call me manspreader
this is what I was born to be
I'll be doing it forever
it is my destiny
my father taught me how to do it
his father taught him the same
when you need to make space baby
just spread your legs

treat the subway like it's my own sofa
I'm spreading, stretching like I'm doing yoga
treat the subway like it's my own sofa
I'm spreading, stretching like I'm doing yoga

On public transportation
even in rush hour crowds
I maintain separation
commuters say it's not allowed
they snap pictures when I'm not looking
post them on their Twitter page
#WhoIsThisJerk, but
You know my name!

They call me manspreader
there are many others just like me
we are united together
you're invited to join our team
forget about your moral objections
your happiness awaits
you can make space baby
just spread your legs