Should I Give Up Alcohol?

Please help.

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I have been MGTOW since 2011. But I have been drinking to be comfortable with my existence. On my 41st birthday I took 372 days to be sober. It was going to be 365 days, but I wanted to wait until my "drinking buddy" was available to celebrate. It was good. I wanted to prove that I could stop and that I was in control of my habit. The truth was I was addicted to the high. I am a survivor of child abuse. My father and my mother thought they could control me with violence. Whether it was to make me eat my vegetables, or because I obeyed the laws of physics. They wanted me to obey. I want to be high. I participated in the marijuana laws of Washington. But I am 9 months sober of mary jane. But I still want a drink to celebrate that I am alive.

I am a slave of drink. I want a better existence because of the hell I lived in childhood. But nothing really takes the pain away. I am a loser. I want to be better, but nothing really is a target. Not worthwhile anyways. I am alone. I fear the wrath of women. I am not gay in any way. Being 51 may not seem an accomplishment, but I have survived thus far.

Life is a trial. I know that success is garnered through suffering. But since romance and family life is nothing but a trial with me losing in the end, I feel alone. Abandoned.

I tried to find success in childhood dreams. The things I wanted before life beat me down. I feel life is hopeless. There is nothing I can accomplish without it being destroyed by others. I don't believe in myself because others have proved stronger than me. I want to believe there is some fate that will satisfy me. But I find going alone with the status quo to be the best option. I know this weak. I know I am weak. But I don't see the benefit of working so hard, yet getting beat down for my passions is worthwhile.

I want to have a worthwhile life. I don't know what that looks like.

I hate my life. All this trouble at the beginning , just find out it amounted to nothing. I finished college. I have self-employment to pay the bills. But all I feel in the quiet hours is to destroy my fellow human beings that want the parasitic life. I am bad. Yet I feel powerless to change things for the better. I refused to pay my taxes for a corrupt government since 2020. I feel okay about going to jail for tax payment avoidance. Maybe the bad men of prison could teach me something new.

All I know is that I am ready to die.

Some people have a glass of wine with a Sunday lunch with the family, and they say, "Oh no no more, 1 glass was plenty thanks" - and then there are people who drink and that is all they do....

The OLD AA test - if you can have a few drinks and leave it alone.. fine... but once the hook is in, it's drinking for effect etc....